Capacity to Nurture

First of all, baby number two has not yet arrived. The baby is 34 weeks in development now, which is the minimum I was hoping for before the baby arrives. We are happy about that. Mom has had lots of help from family friends and church. She is still looking forward to being able to eat and do things normally after the child gets here, but she's also happy to give the baby as much time as possible.

My awareness for nurturing is strong right now. When I hear someone say, "He was like a father to me." I  hear, "He nurtured me." When someone says, "She has always been there for me no matter what." I hear, "She nurtured me." It just seems to be a key concept in parenting, and friendships too, and it's at the forefront of my brain often.

Nurturing another child is intimidating to me. Last week I asked my dad how he nurtured seven children. I didn't want to know how to nurture little children, I think I learned that part by being nurtured by him when I was young. I wanted to know where he found strength to keep going.

Life is not easy right now. There were a lot of what I refer to as "meltdowns" in my house in 2013, and heck, there were meltdowns last week. I'd like to say that these meltdowns are all from the toddler, but it's the adults that are overwhelmed in our house much of the time. My wife and I have always had good days and bad days historically, but there is something about having a child that challenges us further. I think young children have a way of keeping adults at their emotional limit. Kids bring out the worst of me, and make me more in need to nurturing, and I think the same is true for Katie.

Facebook posts don't usually offer this perspective. Facebook captures the special moments of children with beautiful photos. Other people's kids seem so easy for them to nurture. My daughter does make me smile and laugh almost every day. But the truth is that I hold onto those moments and take beautiful photos of those moments because I'm trying to survive. Many days my only goal is to survive for the next five minutes, until nap time, or until bedtime.

My dad did give me some good advice, as did my brother who has three kids of his own, and a friend who also has 3 kids. They confirmed that my situation is normal, and that young kids do tend to push people to their limit. They also encouraged me take care of my self, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Practically speaking, they encouraged things like reading the Bible, listening to spiritual teaching, and taking 45 minute breaks away from the family to workout, or read, or do something for myself.

I am hopeful that I can and will be ready to nurture another child, but if you have any secrets to add to that list or just survival techniques, I'm all ears.

Parenting, 5 Months, Stuff They Don't Say

The stuff they tell you is true about kids. Here is the stuff they don't tell you.

You can't eat your dinner.
We were warned that we would need date nights after the baby was born, but I thought it was about romance. That part never really worried me. I knew we would make time for each other, and we do. Well it turns out that the problem is not about romance at all. The issue is that we can't eat our food. Of the hour that we are at the restaurant, 45 minutes of the time is spent walking the baby outside the restaurant. It is very difficult to eat dinner when you are outside the restaurant.

So, you do need a date night, but not for romance. It's so that you can eat your dinner.

There are places you can't go.
There are places that you just can't go with kids. Quiet restaurants are completely out of the question, too embarrassing to have the crying baby or kid throwing a fit. Also, sports bars often don't allow kids. If you have a favorite pub or sports bar and you are about to have a child, say goodbye to it. That's not your place to watch the game anymore. Babies and great beer places don't mix.

Side note, I am becoming more convinced of this every month that passes. The Starbucks "third place" of the next generation is the American pub. First dates used to happen at starbucks, they will start happening at a beer pub. Real estate agents and financial advisers across the country will meet clients in the pub instead of starbucks, even at lunch. The trend is really really strong. It is the young, hip, progressive thinker's place to be right now, and the momentum is hitting critical mass. It is extremely cool to know your favorite brewery right now, and it is becoming uncool to be clueless about beer. This trend will probably give way to a new legal drinking age of 18 as well, but that one may take a while.

Oh yes, the child. The worst part is the social life.
Being a part of a community is hard enough in this day and age. Being a part of a community with a 5 months old child is darn-near-impossible. It is totally fine for making friends, but it's really hard to frequent a location at all. So the community can't really happen. There is not a place in the world right now that I really want to bring our child to regularly.

There is a positive side though. At 4 months, we finally started to see a return on investment. The child can now recognize us as parents, and gets really excited to interact with us. This is rewarding after serving her without much return for 4 months. Believe it or not, it makes us want to have more kids. It gives us hope.

That's what they don't say about parenting at 5 months.

What Does Becoming A Father Feel Like?

Becoming a father, and having a child is just like They said it would be (those elitist people who try to describe something that we, those who never experienced the same thing They did, could never understand).

I wanted the birth of my first child to be an incredible and unique experience, but I grew tired of the same old phrases from They. "You have to experience it to understand it." And, "It's unlike anything you have ever felt." Just sounded too generic for me.

I hate admitting that They were right about it. I have never liked blog posts like this one. We are all human right? What is so special about having a child anyway? Sigh.

I am They now. I am trying to describe what it felt like to have a child. Contrary to what They said, it was very similar to other things I have felt before, but it was indeed unique. This is what it felt like to me. 


Waiting for Good News
Have you ever been waiting for news, not sure if it would be good or bad, and the news was good? It felt like that right before the baby was born, knowing everything was probably okay, but not quite certain.

My Team Won the Championship
Have you ever been sweating in your chair as the final seconds of the game clock run out in a championship game, and your team wins? It felt like that when the baby came.

Love at First Sight 
Have you ever seen someone and felt like you would openly give them your heart without even knowing them? It felt like that, when she looked at me for the first time.

Everything is Right in the World
Have you ever had a moment where complete strangers felt like friends, you didn't have an enemy in the world, and everything else will be okay? It felt like that especially in the hospital with every stranger I walked past.

A Religious Experience
Have you ever felt like you encountered your creator? It felt like that. I was a baby all of the sudden. Then I was a father of a baby. Then I was outside my body, outside of time and space for a second... or 2 hours maybe. Somehow that all made sense and I felt very close to God.

Simplifying My Taxes, A Letter to the IRS.

While I'm simplifying my life one segment at a time, I decided I would take on the greatest challenge of all, simplifying my taxes. Turns out there are laws about this... Which led me to writing this letter to the IRS.

Dear IRS,

I'm writing you to discuss the simplification of my personal taxes. See, I want to pay my taxes. I'm thrilled to give you my money in exchange for the right to work, live, and own property in the United States. I couldn't be happier about the arrangement we have going here. My challenge is this, I just can't figure out how much money to give you.

I know how much money I made last year exactly, and I know exactly how much was withheld from my paycheck and given to you. I just can't seem to figure out what that is worth to you. It appears that I will need to fill out the following forms to figure this out.

• 1040
• 740mp
• Colorado Partial Year
• 740 full year
• Schedule A
• 3903
• Schedule E
• 4562
• Schedule M
• Schedule D

Is this really necessary? I'm an honest guy, and have no desire to cheat you out of any money. How much do you need? Do you need to have about 10% of what I made? 15%? 20%?

If you really want me to fill out all of these forms I will, but hey it's me, Phil. We've done business together for years. You know me, I know you. Just tell me how much I owe you, and I'll give it to you.

It doesn't have to be a flat tax, but couldn't it at least be simple?

Your Favorite Tax Payer,

Phil

Simplifying The Basement Part 2

"There is some perfectly good junk here." I said. "We can't just throw away perfectly good junk, kids have AIDS in Africa."

So naturally, out of my concern for Africa, we thought of Goodwill. They have a drive through drop off. It's so easy.

It's easier than selling for sure, but still more complicated than throwing it all away. Complicated is bad. Complicated is very bad. Like the devil. No, the Anti-Christ. The Anti-Simple.

Simple is the goal, the greater good, the messiah which will rescue us into 2012.

But I was weak. I should have stared my conscience in the face and thrown it all away; forgetting Africa and Goodwill, but I chose the option which made things more... I can barely even say it I'm so ashamed... complicated.

We made two piles. One of trash, and one of donations. It was a setback, but we did it. Then, we pressed on.

After many, many  mind-numbingly, word-jumblingly, proof-readingly difficult hours in the basement, we simplified the basement. Nine plastic tubs, a shelving unit, two fridges, a treadmill, and two people survived to tell the tale.

It felt good. We were still bested by consumerism at times, but I believe that we won the battle. We faced the fear. We stared consumerism and the face and said, "Simplicity is better than having more stuff, you ridiculous, consumerist dragon!"

One small step for simplicity, one giant leap for quality of life.

Simplifying The Basement Part 1

Nobody likes to think about organizing basements or garages or attics. They are a mind trap waiting to suck the energy out of us. Cleaning the basement is worse than standing in line, worse than getting a speeding ticket, possibly even worse than an office Christmas party. It's like voluntarily being banished to the dungeon. The dungeon is lit by a couple of small windows, and has a supernatural power to inflict guilt until it is clean and organized.

Did I mention the dragon?  The one that slings cardboard boxes filled with useless things constantly? Difficult to believe unless you see it with your own eyes, but that's what we had to face when we descended into our basement last week.

How hard was it, you ask? How hard was it to go into the basement and answer this simple question,  "Do you want to keep this?" I don't want to exaggerate here. It was mind-numbingly difficult, word-jumblingly difficult, proof-readingly difficult. It was hard. 

It was hard to answer a simple question 1,000 times in a row, no matter how simple the question was. It was even harder to answer the follow up questions.

Let's say the answer was yes. "Where should we put it?" Was the follow up question.

Well if we knew where to put it, it wouldn't be in the basement. So we had to ask, "How long has it been since we used it?"

Again, it's probably been a long time cause it's in the basement. So we ask the original question again with emphasis. "Do you really want to keep this?" And the cycle continues.

If the answer was no, we don't want to keep said thing, the follow up question was, "Can we sell it?" This was a huge rabbit trail. Selling things takes effort and it has nothing to do with cleaning, organizing, and simplifying which is what we were trying to do. We gave up finally and made a blanket rule. No selling anything.

That felt good. We made a rash blanket rule to help us with our simplifying. That's what I needed. A big fat dramatic rule to keep us on task.

And that's when my conscience kicked in.

(More tomorrow)

Simplifying My Schedule

City Girl is talking to Country Girl, "When would be a good time for me to stop by to pick that up tomorrow?" Says City Girl, trying to get a feel for the Country Girl's schedule.

"Well anytime that's good for you. We'll be here." Says Country Girl.

City Girl stops for a minute. She feels the urge to tell her exactly what time she'll arrive, but she doesn't have to. She hesitates. She is realizing that she doesn't even have to call her before she comes over. She can just show up whenever she wants. Then she starts to wonder if she'll have time tomorrow to pick it up. Maybe she should pick it up two days later. Finally she says, "Well if I don't get it tomorrow, I'll be there the next day."

Country Girl laughs, but her answer is the same. "Ok, we'll be here."

A few months ago I was driving down the road in a hurry. Without noticing, I began tailgating the truck in front of me. It was an old farmer, casually cruising along. He pulled over to the shoulder and I thought maybe he was going to check under the truck's hood for something wrong, but as soon as I passed he pulled back up on the road.

The farmer didn't have a care in the world. He wasn't even flustered by my apparent rush. In fact, he seemed genuinely concerned about me. Maybe something bad had happened and I was on my way to the hospital or something. His actions seemed to communicate "Oh, you must be in a hurry, I hope everything is ok. Why don't you go in front of me?"

These situations are the result of a simple schedule and a complex schedule colliding. I prefer the simple schedule. It says something about quality of life I think. Maybe having a simple schedule is more valuable than winning an award for my efforts. Maybe it is more important than money.

Simplifying My Closet

I get excited when my closet looks like it has extra room on the hangers. I'm excited because it looks like I'm making progress. I am simplifying my life, and getting rid of waste.

One way I'm doing this is, giving away "backup" of something. Having a backup of something is my excuse to buy things I don't need yet. So nowadays, if I wait until I'm actually giving the old shirt away before buying a new one, that is a success.

Another way I'm simplifying my closet is by making things last longer. I bought insoles for several of my shoes recently. The cheapest insoles work just as good as the expensive ones, so $3 can make a pair of shoes comfortable for 6-12 months.

Another thing we've done is that we don't have a dresser in our room. So, no extra chest of drawers to fill space and collect clothes. What I'm finding is that if run out of space for our clothes, we can just get rid of clothes instead of making more space.

Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions to the rules. I'm attempting to move in the right direction, but I'm not going to the extreme. For example, I believe in dressing nicely at work. My perception at work directly impacts my income. So I replace shoes every 2-3 years and pants and shirts every 3-5 years. I'm not going to try to stretch the life on these clothes.

Also, sometimes a backup still makes sense. I churn through jeans and tennis shoes fast enough to have one backup. But I still feel good because I limit it to one backup.

How cool is it to celebrate having LESS in a culture that always desires more money?

I Like Warren Buffet

Warren Buffet raised his kids as if they weren't wealthy. In the same way most kids don't know what exactly their parents do, his kids didn't either.  It wasn't until their mid twenties that they really even knew the full reality of their father's wealth. He was the richest man in the world.

When they were kids, they thought he was a security guard because he worked in securities. When they turned 19 they were given $90,000 to get started in life, and that is all of the inheritance they would receive.

I just like that. Living below our means creates a lot of freedom. It allows us to focus on important things, and prioritize needs over wants.

What if we did the same thing? What if we set a budget that was well below our income? What if we planned to live that way for our entire lives?

Check this out. Warren Buffet still lives in the same house he raised his kids in which cost him $31,500 in 1957. What if we perminently stopped house shopping? How would that change us?

I believe this way of thinking could nearly eliminate the covetousness. It would put a kibosh on wanting something bigger and better all of the time. It would foster contentment.

Side note: I still haven't bought back into the stock market much. I'm waiting for it to drop to 10,000 on the Dow. Patience is my game still. Warren Buffet says he's back in the market (Berkshire Hathoway is buying), and that he doesn't think recession is coming. Can't argue with him really, it's going to be time to buy back soon.

Healthy Breakfast

Check this breakfast shake idea out. We have been making these for breakfast and end up with more energy and feel healthier all day. The idea came from a place we visited in Thailand called Healthy Breakfast.

1 TBSP red beans
1 TBSP steamed carrots
2 TBSP pearl barley (cooked)
1 TBSP frozen spinach
1 whole mushroom
1 scoop of protein powder (we use soy)
1 banana
1 apple (sliced)
1/4 cup frozen fruit (any kind)
2 tsps flax seed (ground)
1 cup water
1 cup ice

Some ingredients vary, depending on what we run out of, but the top 6 items stay the same.

We are busy people, and have high stress at work many days. Anything that can give us a better start to the day is much appreciated as the week goes by. I don't know how long we will keep this as our breakfast routine, but after a couple months we are addicted.

Pipe Carving

My extremely cool brother in law got me a pipe for Christmas.



 Not just any pipe, a pipe that I can carve myself.   

I'm not quite done, but here is what it looks like today.