Transparency About Transparency Part 2

While I have tried to follow my dad's advice, I have not followed it perfectly throughout the years. I realize that total honesty is harmful to a relationship. Meaning, even if I think someones sweater is ugly, or they actually do look fat, it's never good to say it. Unfiltered truth, is just carelessness.

On the other side of the truth, just because someone has a secret, and I know they have a secret, doesn't mean it is good for me to hear it. I understand this too.

This blog is about those exceptions though, when the truth just needs to be brought out. This needs little explanation probably, but just for the sake of making an argument I submit to you a name from recent news story. Jerry Sandusky. Enough said, some truth needs to be told sooner than later.

So, how does one confront someone in a way that doesn't damage, or in my case, ruin the relationship completely? Well, it turns out, I had a huge blind spot when it came to these situations. I had the guts to confront, but did not understand how it was perceived by the other person.

My blind spot is that I didn't fully answer this question before the confrontation. "What is your motive?"

I answered this question for myself; I knew my motivation. But I never answered the question for the other person. I knew that I was genuinely concerned about multiple human beings, and not myself. If I were only motivated selfishly, I wouldn't have confronted anybody. It simply wouldn't have been worth the risk to the friendship and my reputation. But I don't believe other people saw it that way.

A major side note is that I believe there are 2 distinct ways that families deal with confrontation. Some families feel closer together with confrontation, the others feel farther apart. There also tend to be peacemaker personalities and confrontation loving personalities, but I think the family difference is more critical. Usually, the people I feel the need to confront are the people who grew up in a family that never confronted things. I had no idea.

I didn't realize that it is legitimately scary for people to see my intense desire for the honesty, especially when they were brought up in a home with an difficulty handling conflict. Add to that normal insecurities that come through these situations, and the fact that the truth itself can be very scary, and you've got a recipe for disaster.

In my defense, I just never really thought that I needed to establish my own motive. I assumed that the very fact that I was willing to bring up this deeply personal issue, would be enough to imply that I had thought it through. But I realize now that this isn't the case. People don't assume that my motives are good at all.

That was the major revelation, but I have learned a couple of tips to handling the conflict itself. I think I'll write about that tomorrow because I like to keep my blogs kind of short. More soon.